As witnessed by my freak out last night on some kids who were just trying to get their rocks off....their rocks off in the alleyway behind our office - which made me officially turn into a bitter old lady.
Look, I was young once too. Sure I never decided to pull my Ford F150 into a alleyway, at 5pm, in broad daylight, to have my girlfriend straddle me and subsequently dry dump my way to a happy ending.....but I can imagine it's a good time. What it most certainly isn't, is appropriate.
More important than the fact that it is ridiculously not ok to do that in public is the fact that if I'm not having fun in that alleyway - no one is having fucking fun in that alley. I pull my car out of the office lot to encounter that mess and immediately I was enraged that the the tween couple (seriously, they looked to be about the same age J Lipnicki was when he shot Stuey Little) had chosen OUR alley.
As they ground their pelvises (ed note: pelvi?) together, I felt like every gyration was a stab into my heart - a stab that rubbed in the fact that I had just spent 10 hours in office hell and these two knuckleheads haven't a care in the world - other than boning each other into oblivion, that is. Not only do I have to work all day and can't embark on make out trips to the beach with my boyfriend - I also most certainly DON'T have a boyfriend... I mean, the best chance at action I have is if the neighborhood hobo drinks too much and mistakes me for a bottle of schnapps. Until that glorious day, it's just me and my pet rabbit drinking chardonnay and drawing pictures of Kenny Chesney. Kill me now.
So, after spying the lovebirds, I did what anyone would do. I walked up to the car, where they stared at me like two deer in the headlights, and told them that:
A) They were going the wrong way down a one way
B) I was calling the cops because they were being indecent and loitering
The threat of being busted by the 5-0 was enough to pry their groins apart and get them to peel off in their truck...a truck that I should add was MUCH nicer than my piece of shit toyota. Talk about adding insult to injury. Geez.
After that incident, I had to do some soul searching and I realized that I am officially a grown up....a sad, rabbit owning, grown up.
Have Mercy.
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