Another Birthday Suggestion

This one comes to us from the Franklin Mint!

Lucille Ball Vinyl Portrait Doll - Charm School
Price: $195.00
or 3 easy monthly payments of $65.00
Easy Pay:
Quantity:


Debuting January 25, 1953, The Charm School saw Lucy polishing up her social skills to impress Ricky. While not exactly at the head of her class, she passed with flying colors when it came time to dress up. Need proof? Take a look at this sensational portrait doll crafted for you in fully poseable, lifelike vinyl, hand-painted to capture Lucy’s beaming personality. Her gorgeous gown glistens with silver thread woven into the fabric and is complemented by elegant arm-length gloves, enhanced by a trio of pearlescent beads at each wrist. Lucy’s jewelry ensemble includes sparkling chandelier earrings, an elegant brooch and hinged bracelets that open and close. One look, and you’ll know why everybody still loves Lucy!
Read Full Description
Item Number: B11E725
Availability: Available Now
Approximately 16" (40.6 cm) in height.

Happy Friday

Nothing transitions you into a smooth weekend like a smooth song! This Friday's smooth tune is, "Waiting for a Star To Fall" by Boy Meets Girl.

I like it when they break it down and the dude sings waiting and the chick mimics in the background a little higher. That's the crap loads are blown to. Wow that was a little much even for me. But it's a true story.

Happy Halloweenie!!!!

The book the "Worst Witch" was my favorite book when I was a kid for a spell (heh heh, get it, spell). They made it into a movie with my biggest crush - Tim Curry.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!


And a more current Halloween Classic!

Birthday Ideas for Me - Tee minus 22 days!

It's that time of year again - the time of year when you should be seeking out gifts to shower the Hobbit with in celebration of her birthday! I'll make it easy for you and I will just list some of the things I am hoping for right here on my blog.


This treat can be found in the "Fingerhut" catalog:



Thomas Kinkade Anniversary Clock, Serenity
Item Number P5137
$39.99
This product is: IN STOCK
$6.99 per month*

Thomas Kinkade Anniversary clock with Westminster chime. Details from Kinkade's Pool of Serenity classic are shown on the porcelain dial and base. Clock stands 9" high with a glass dome and revolving pendulum. Precision quartz movement and automatic night chime shut off. Requires 2 AA batteries, not included. Thomas Kinkade is America's most collected living artist. This "Painter of Light" has won numerous awards for his tranquil light infused paintings. This anniversary clock brings his work to your home or as a perfect gift for a special occasion.

Happy Thursday

I'm having a Danny Pintauro type of morning.

Congrats on a great season, Mean Boys!!!

I would just like to say congrats to my kickball team for a great season and for coming in a solid 2nd place! Hell, I'm just glad you guys allowed me on the team despite my lack of any ability and my penchant for saying stupid things.

Our season started off with multiple practices at a shady field in the Valley. My coworker dropped out after the first practice. I decided to solider on and enlist another friend to be my partner in crime. Sure I had no skills and ended up kicking around dust in the outfield and bunting balls with so my force it would give me a cankle, but I'll be damned if I did have the best time. It was a blast to play on the team and to get to know our motley crew.

Hopefully you bastards will let me play on the team next year!!

CONGRATULATIONS!

Tunes of the Day: Huey Lewis & The News

It wouldn't be a Wednesday without a little Huey action and these are some of my favorite Huey songs.

Just What I Need - Another Dorky Addiction

I've been facing an uphill battle since the day this hot piece of ass came into the world. No, I'm not special needs, or handicapped in any sort of way (unless you consider being TOO amazing a handicap - because in that case I'm as gimpy as they come)it isn't that at all. I've got something far worse than some sort of issue that causes folks to look at me with a sense of disgust - I've got a real soft spot for Science Fiction. Have you ever known the pain and humiliation of being a girl who loves watching Logan's Run and Buck Rogers for hours on end? Seen the looks people give you when you reference Battlestar Galactica on a daily basis? Well it sucks is what it does. And being a chick doesn't help me out. Let me tell you that there are not that many chicks as into Sci Fi as I am and on the few occasions I have found them....well, lets just say they are the types of girls who tend to be working at Blockbuster, have muffintops and red swollen faces dotted with pimples and who wear a lot of pewter jewelry that may or may not include dragons and crystal embellishments, God bless em'. So that sucks basically and totally puts a cramp in my style. You can't find guys who don't look like something out of Comicon who want to bone you when you posess such a deep love of Sci Fi. True Story.

If you think the Sci Fi was bad enough, why not add my obsession with mellow rock into the mix. Again - you think it is easy to find a dude who is willing to listen to hours of Loggins and Messina with you? A guy who has to hear you say that you, in all seriousness, want "Sweet Freedom" played at your wedding? It ain't happening.

Those two addictions make it hard for me to relate to both men and women. Basically it makes me an undesirable - I might as well join some sort of D&D gaming club, because those are the only people who might accept me. And hell, even then I would probably not fit in because I wasn't SO over the top into the shit as they were. I can't win!!!

Well, once again, I've decided to put a little icing on the cake... the cake that is the weirdness that encapsulates me. What could possibly make me more pathetic you ask?

I'm now addicted to "tween" romance novels involving Vampires.

Yes. I'm talking about "Twilight".

I cracked open the first book last night at about 10pm and as of about 4pm today I had devoured all 500 pages of the stupid thing. And I loved every page. Don't you understand?! Now that I've moved on to reading things from the "tween" section of the Middle School Bookfair, I've pretty much closed the door to ever getting laid. Unless I Mary Kay LeTourneu it up and go cougar hunting at said bookfair. Hell, maybe I could find a kid there who was into world of warcraft and BSG. They would be too young and too stupid to figure out that mellow rock is as corny as it comes....hmmm. On second thought, maybe that is the ticket!

I got me a little problem

I'm in love....with Maroon 5 - and it's bad. Real bad. I'm totally embarrassed by how much I enjoy that stupid band, which is saying something considering the majority of the tunes I rock out to would be considered by most to be "guilty pleasures".

I guess that's what true love is all about, ya know? Loving something wholeheartedly despite the fact it is totes the soundtrack to douchebags. I'm all like that girl who loved Rocky Dennis in "Mask". Yeah, I know I look like an idiot to others feeling the way I do towards something so despicable as frat boy rock, but I just don't care. I love it. I just hope Maroon 5 doesn't die due to elephantiasis or something. If they did it would be elephantiasis of awesome - to which there is no known cure. And if they do end up dying then hopefully their legacy will be preserved in a film starring Cher and Eric Stolz.

Happy Wednesday!

Gerardo's Guide to Dating

I just got my mind blown by one Mr. Gerardo. I'm sitting here at my desk, looking up pictures of hedgehogs and listening to Rico Suave, when I realized that Mr. Gerardo's lyrics were amazing. He really tells it to you straight - and in doing so I think he could really help guys out there who needs some help in Ladyland.

Here are some of the Topics Gerardo touches on:

- Pleasuring the ladies:
Gerardo makes no bones about the fact that he is into giving the lady what she needs in the sexual department. Bold as ever, Gerardo basically tells the men that it is ok to give the lady some gratification and that it doesn't take away any of your machismo. Case in point:

"My only addiction has to do with the female species
I eat 'em raw like sushi"

- On The Importance of Being True to Yourself:
Gerardo thinks it is muy importante to be yourself when you are dating and he likes to tell the ladies in his life, up front, that he isn't perfect. I think this is an important lesson for everyone. Don't pretend to be someone else. Gerardo owns who he is.

"Well, it's ten o'clock and I'm two hours late
I never said I was a prompt date"

- Finding a "look" and sticking with it:
Gerardo also stays true to himself by finding his own style and rocking it 24/7 365. He found that the look that worked for him was the dew rag, denim britches, boots, jacket and waxed chest look. He OWNS that look and he isn't going to change it for you or your parents. Men, this is something we all need to realize. Don't let the ladies try to sway you from your fashion choices. Sure some girls (me included) would rather get stabbed in the eye with a hypodermic needle than see a man wear Pukka shell necklaces - but if that is your look, then you aren't the hombre for us.I'm sure there is some mall rat hanging out at Hollister that would totes be digging it.

"But you kept persisting that I meet your parents
Hah, they're going to love my appearance!"

- On Settling Down:
Gerardo has very, very strong feelings in regards to settling down. His stance is that, well, he should not. Its a personal choice that everyone has to make and Gerardo realized that with smoking hot abs and an accent straight from Guadalajara, he would be able to score more poon than Scott Baio back in Charles in Charge days. Again, he asks that you be up front to the ladies about not wanting to settle down. If they seem a little taken aback by your unwillingness not to be a player, remind them of what they are missing by crooning to them and showing them your abs. It works for Gerardo.

"There's not a woman that can handle A man like me.That's why I juggle two or three"

But I think the most important lesson Gerardo can impart to men is the fact that they need to be bold and confident in their pursuit of the ladies. They need to understand the game they are playing and play it with all they got. Because once you get the lady, then you have to keep her from getting too attached. But as Gerardo would say:

"You got to know how to deal with a woman
That won't let go
The price you pay for being a gigolo"

I hope this helps everyone.

I've got a case of the Mondays

And getting in my ride this morning did nothing to help my mood - nothing screams, "Oh fuck, another day I have to breathe" like having "From A Distance" blaring on my radio. Ok, I will accept a little of the blame considering it was me to had tuned the dial to "The Coast", which specializes in that bullshit, but still. C'mon, From a Distance?! Why stop there, fate you cruel mistress, how about REALLY drive me nuts and play LeAnn Rimes "Can't Fight The Moonlight" from the Coyote Ugly soundtrack. That would have honestly been enough for me to drive my ass off an embankment. Oh you devilish radio Gods!!! KHAN!!!!

The good news is, I'm getting my groove back just like Stella. The bad news? I have fucking Bette Midler stuck in my head. NOT the way I wanted to start off this week.

My New Go-To Karaoke Tune

Last night I really unleashed the beast inside (that's what he said) and sang my heart out at a seedy ass karaoke bar. Nothing screams pathetic like a strip mall karaoke bar on a Sunday night. I was going to really dazzle them with my rendition of the classic tune 9to5. They didn't have that song so I was forced to break out of my comfort zone. And break out I did. I've always loved Cher and I've always loved the 80's era Cher - the one with the tats, skimpy negligees and the big faced ginger kid that liked motorcycles. She ruled. And she was totally a cougar!! You go, Cher!

Anyway, it was a hard choice because my personal fave hit of hers from the 80's was "Jesse James". They had it but I wasn't as drawn to it as I was to "I Found Someone". When I sing karaoke, I need a song that I can rock out to, but that also has some instrumental breaks, passion and key changes. This song has that all and more. This song rocks my fucking socks off! I guestured, I sang, I flailed, I saw a million faces and I rocked them all.

This is my new staple. This is my new passion:

The Golden Gals - Helping me OD on awesome since 1977

I'd like to take a moment to reflect on the totally phenomenal band of friends I have. These are the types of girls who are there for you when you are drunk off Krunk juice, humming Lil Jon songs and wandering the streets of LA looking for a hot dog vendor. They are the girls that will pry you out of a bathroom and feed your rabbit when you are away. The girls who would send you the most amazing emails and show up to every one of your comedy shows and then construct a freaking "Guess Who" board game for you. Yep, awesome.

These are also the friends that will pry you from your room where you holed up after spending the prior evening behaving in a manner that gives new meaning to the phrase douchebag. They are the types that would and did drag your ass out to a bar to sing your heart out with some grade A karaoke, after an afternoon of mimosas and rap music. BOO YAH! Is there a better way to spend the Lord's Day? I don't think so. We spent the evening unleashing the demon karaoke fanatic that dwells inside of me. I'll be damned if some cheap beer, claw machine stuffed animals and a heaping dose of Cher songs don't make you forget that you can be a giant prick sometimes. Cher - she is QUITE the lady.

Needless to say I'm suffering from a massive hangover....hangover of AWESOME!!!!! I should take a tylenol or something - but there ain't no cure for the awesome. And I got it. I got it something bad.

Thanks for being my pals, you vixens of the night. Sorry for being a douchebag - guess that is the fatal flaw in this perfect package that is me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I will excuse myself to go and dry heave some of this awesome up.

Happy Birthday, Jason!!!

This goes out to Jason on his birthday! There is no better way to honor someone on their birthday than by posting "Ya Mo Be There" for them - that's a true story. Look it up if you don't believe me. So, here ya go Jason. Have a wonderful birthday, filled with mellow rock and sci fi that will blow your mind.

Happy Birthday, Jason!!!!

X0-
The Hobbit, Michael McDonald, James Ingram

It's a Great Day - I want to Die

It's a beautiful morning in LA - the sun is shining and I'm feeling like a million bucks. The world is my oyster - an oyster that I have no intention of throwing up! So, it might make you wonder why, after having such a spectacular wake up, that I am contemplating throwing myself off a cliff right about now. Well, its simple - I have a fucking CREED song stuck in my head.

There isn't a singer I loathe more than Scott Stapp. I mean, I hate Evanescence and Puddle of Mudd and that bullshit as well - but Creed and Scott Stapp are in a category all of their own. I would rather listen to Who Let The Dogs Out or Mambo #5 on repeat for a month while getting gang banged by vagrants than be subjected to an entire Creed CD.

Seriously, Scott Stapp drives me NUTS. Everything about him drives me nuts. The voice. The lyrics. The posing with arms outstretched. The hair. Everything. And I've got his freaking voice on repeat in my head.

Please, join me in my hell:

Sexy Crooner of the Week

The crooner who tested positive for sexy this week is none other than that long haired moppet, Travis Tritt!!!
Travis works the lovely locks like nobody's business. Plus, his voice is pretty much that of a honky-tonk angel.

Travis, congrats on the title!

Hobbit's Movie Pick of the Weekend

Been beat up by the week? Bamboozled by life? Run amok? Why not spend the weekend doing what the Hobbit will be doing. Part 1 of the Hobbits weekend plan involves a bottle of wine, some silent sobbing into a pillow and copious amounts of Jim Croce on the ipod. Part 2 is a little less disturbing - I'm going to re watch one of my favorite films, SINGLES!

When I was in Jr High - high school I watched that movie at least once a week. I think it still really holds up over the years and the music obviously RULES. The only issue I have when watching it is that the characters in the film are years younger than I am now and are far more successful. Luckily, I'll have that bottle of wine on hand to drown my sorrows. Really though, I love this movie. I love the music, I love Seattle and I love Campbell Scott (C'MON his mom played Marilla in Anne of Green Gables!!!). Do yourself a favor and watch Singles. Unless you have something better to do. Like you have a life or some shit like that. Well good for you then - jerk. You can have your socializing and romancing. I'll take my cheap wine, jim croce, nutella straight from the jar and Singles!

This is Dedicated to Jill

I'd like to dedicate this inspirational power ballad to my roommate, Jill. She is the top dog in my book. She feeds my bunny, Mr Donald Lamont, when I am out of town. She pries open doors to free me from small bathrooms. And most importantly, she doesn't judge me when she finds me sans shoes outside our door after just having barfed up bivalves. She really is a lamb.

You're the best, JILL!!!!

For Darcy

Darcy said today was a Loggins-Pick-Me-Up type of day - and I couldn't agree more. I've been put through the ringer this week and nothing turns my frown upside down like the lovley locks and smooth falsetto of one Mr. Kenny Loggins.

Darcy, this is for you, Boo.

I'm a creep

I'm one of those people who perpetually screws up. No seriously, I do. And it isn't like I am one of those "oh woe is me, the world is crapping on me" types either. Nope. I've only got one person to blame. Me.

See, the problem is I have a tendency to salt my own game. Shoot myself in the foot. Fuck myself up royally. I don't mean to - it just comes naturally. I have a real problem - its starting to actually take its toll. Last nights debauchery was just one notch on my bedpost of self-inflicted doom.


A couple notable Hobbit Screw-ups from the new millennium (in no particular order):

1) Calling a guy I was dating in college and telling him I thought he was gay.
This was one of those things that had it been the first time I had drunk dialed him and said it, he might have let it slide. Making out with him and telling him that and then driving the point home by drunk dialing him a few nights later? Overkill. Needless to say he didn't appreciate it.

2) Working for Hallmark for the 2nd time.
I knew after the first go around at Hallmark that I never again wanted to work for them nor did I ever want to sell Precious Moment collectibles ever again. And yet, despite these feelings I gave it another go, at another Hallmark in another town? And guess what? Worse than before!!!!! On top of the Precious Moments they also made me dust the glass baron figurines and catalog the Cherished Teddies. Not to mention the pain I had inflicted upon me by being forced to wear an over-sized purple smock while walking around the store saying,"Did you know that with a purchase of just 3 cards you can get this Michelle Kwan snowglobe for only 12.95". Fucking Hallmark.

3) Telling Vince Vaughn he had the Clap.
This is the ultimate in game salting and I did it to myself. Out in LA and talking Vince - things were going swimmingly. He was buying me drinks. Then - out of nowhere - I told him he had the Clap. Why? I have no idea. When the words spilled from my lips I even was taken aback. I totally screwed up and will probably never forgive myself for that. What an IDIOT!


I can't even imagine what the hell I have in store for myself. Who knows how I will screw myself over next? I'm a piece of work, man. A real piece of work.

In honor of me being ridiculously stupid:

What the hell ever happened to Jagged Edge?

So, I dated this dude in college who only listened to R&B. Seriously. Only thing he would listen to. Getting into his car was like being on Soul Train. And the dude was about as white bread as they come. Anyway, he loved Jagged Edge. I didn't like the original version of the song, "Lets Get Married" - it was way too K-Ci and JoJo for my liking. However the remix? Fucking RULES! And you want to know why? That little ragamuffin Jermaine Dupri!!! He put his classic tweety bird touch on this ditty and stepped up the tempo and the next thing you know this became a staple of my mix cd's for years to come.

Now, Jermaine suffers from a Tweety Bird addiction that is regrettable but I'll be damned if I don't like his shit. I mean have you heard Sweetheart with Mariah? C'MON! SOLID GOLD!!!! Plus, he hangs with Da Brat, whose song "Whaddya Like" with Tyrese was another favorite from the summer of 00'.

HOLY CRAP

This video blew my hungover mind! The dancing. THE DANCING. Just look at the dancing!!!!!


Side note about this song, My friend Hannah and I were at the Galleria getting to enjoy our "pretending to be teenagers" time - which consisted of our mothers giving us money and allowing us to roam free from them at the mall for an hour or so which let them get some shopping done. We decided to go to McDonalds and grab a happy meal. There was a table of teenage girls there - couldn't have been more than 15 - and they were talking about how they were at a molding shoot and this song, Cover Girl, was playing. For some reason I was in AWE of those girls and wanted so badly to be at a photo shoot and have the photographer blare Cover Girl in my honor. Unfortunately for me, modeling has never been an option (guess people aren't into elfin chicks with bad posture) and so I've never had a chance to have someone play this song for me while I struck a pose.

Those bitches were lucky.

Because it's friday.

This has always been one of my favorite New Kids songs. And yes, I have a few favorite New Kids songs. Don't give me any crap about it either - we already know I have crap taste in music.

Anyway, I really like this song, and seeing as I am working on zero energy and nursing a hangover, I figured I'll indulge myself and listen to some NKOTB.

ps- My favorite part is the baroque breakdown at 2:52 where Donnie is gliding through the sky on a harness.

Tonight:

My Guide To Loosing Your Pride

The Hobbits Guide To Loosing Your Pride & Lunch in 10 easy steps:

1) Eat a light lunch of Cioppino.
2) Drink a couple of glasses of champagne at a party.
3) Hit the dance floor and bust out moves that haven't been seen since Fergie was on Kids Incorporated.
4) Manage to loose a cell phone in the process of dancing.
5) Leave your car with the valet so you don't have to drive but forget that your house keys are on that key chain.
6) Sit outside your house and cry because you can't get in.
7) Drunk dial people you have no business drunk dialing.
8) Attempt to pry open a window - then make yourself nauseous from all the physical exertion and get sick outside your apartment.
9) Realize your roommate has been home the entire time.
10) Check your email the next morning and realize that the bar where you lost your cell phone decided to text people in your phone book letting them know to contact me because said phone was left behind.

VOILA!

After completing these 10 easy steps you too can awake with a hangover, pangs of regret and the loss of what little pride you had left!!!

XOXO
Hobbit Girl

A little something Extreme to close out the workday.

Back in elementary school my friend Hannah and I got into a fight over whose favorite song, "More Than Words" was. She claimed to have called dibs first and I swore I did. Looking back I probably did jump on the bandwagon after Hannah seeing as how at that point I was in the bizarro Steely Dan phase that every elementary school child in the early 90's goes though. I also wore my mom's blouses with pewter broaches. What can you do - I was a freak of nature. I think we eventually settled the spat. I jumped back onto the Taylor Dane bandwagon and I think Hannah eventually moved onto to the KLF or something.

Regardless, this is still a smooth as hell jam!

My Cousin

When we moved to Texas from Oregon, it was a bit of a culture shock to say the least and I was devastated. Sure I was young, but I wasn't too young to mock my families thick accents or throw tantrums over the sounds of cicadas and freak the hell out over thunderstorms. To me the move to Texas was the worst thing possible. The upside to the move was the fact that we moved in with my Aunt, uncle and cousin while we got settled. I idolized my older cousin and I was pretty sure we were going to become thick as thieves and that she would soon be the sister we both never had.

Well, what was fun for me must have been hell for her. A 6 year old moving into your house when you are on the verge of Jr High definitely puts a cramp in your style. I was annoying when she had sleepovers and hell I was annoying period. She being the creative girl she was, decided to instead milk my weirdness and idolizing for all it was worth. She tried to get me to hitchhike outside of a family gathering in the middle of the country - which I was more than willing to attempt if it meant me getting attention from her. She allowed me to play Barbies with her only if I memorized entire family lineages (first middle and last names) as well as have all of my Barbies be decedents of a troupe of circus performers. To her credit, I was mixing and matching regular Barbies with Jem dolls, and although they were truly outrageous, they were also about an 1/2 inch taller than the rest and looked like some sort of freaks in comparison. We could play, but we played by her rules. One of our favorite characters to play was "Corona Smith". Which as you could have guess was taken from "Smith Corona" typewriters. Even our creativity had limits. Corona Smith, normally played by me, was an insane asylum patient/ prisoner. I wore my cousins blue spandex unitard and would happily spend hours in a caged in environment getting taunted by my cousin and being force fed triscuits and ding dongs. Again, as cruel as this might sound, I willingly chose to do this. I loved hanging out with her. I loved having her dress me up and do my makeup and do art projects with and play in the sleet and snow with.I loved every minute of it.

Of course, by the tail end of those years I lived with them, my cousin had embarked on that terrible wonderful rite of passage called JR high and everything that came with it. And it was about that time that she pretty much wanted me to vaporize off the face of the earth. And I don't blame her. When she could reign me in and hide me from friends I was fun. Once I got a few years older and much, much weirder, it was a lot less fun. Plus, I still idolized her, which meant I wanted to hang out with her. And nothing is less cool than having your gigantic spectacle wearing, weirdo younger cousin wanting to tag along to movies and the shopping center. And ALL I wanted to do was hang out with her.

Those days of her dressing me up as Ms Yvonne from Pee Wee's Playhouse and us coming up with our own Magazine were loooong gone. I think that the best example of how over me she was had to have been around the time of her birthday. She received 2 of the same Barbie and the Rockers doll as well as 3 count em' 3 of Madonna's True Blue cassette tape. Despite the fact she was over playing with Barbies - she kept both and wouldn't even give me the extra. And to add insult to injury, she threw out the extra 2 copies of True Blue rather than see them go to me.

At the time I thought it cruel. Now I know she had to cut the cord between us - she had moved on from tormenting me to being the one tormented by me (inadvertently of course). So, the only way to really shut the door on me was to not give me an inch. And it worked. We eventually became close again - once I stopped being such a freak of nature - which took until middle - end of High School. Now we are again good friends. I'll tell you what though - I still want that fucking True Blue tape!

Happy Freaking Thursday

I mean, can you think of a sexier duo than Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton? I didn't think so. Sheena's falsetto makes me weak in the knees and Kenny's silver mop sends me over the moon. All of that plus the soft focus camera work and stacked stair set makes this pretty much the best thing ever on a not so thrilling Thursday.

Hawaiian Tropic I'm Not

I caught a glimpse of myself sans clothing today and the only thing that struck me was how badly I needed a tan.it wasn't the lack of toning on my body. The sagging flesh that used to be taught. Or even the fact that my posture and skin tone cause me to look like Gollum. Nope, the real concern I had was that I needed a freaking tan. Like crazy bad. I'm pretty much like that Powder dude but without his healing properties or jaunty fedoras. I'm like an albino or something but without the nifty pink eyes. What is wrong with me? It isn't like I haven't tried to get a tan. Believe me I have. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get skin cancer due to all the burns I've suffered. My friend Kristina and I decided in 7th grade that I just wasn't trying hard enough to get a tan - so we slathered on tanning accelerator, popped in the Prince and the NPG cassette tape of Diamonds and Pearls and settled in for some fun in the pool. Needless to say, about 3 hours later, I was covered and I do mean covered in blisters. It was horrible. Then there was the fateful "passing out on top of a boat after drinking the morning away with vodka spiked simply sodas" incident. That one landed me at the Dr's office! And after all of that - still no tan. I suppose it just isn't in the stars for me to have a tinge of tint to my flesh. I'm going to go and look into getting a lifetime mystic tanning membership.

Not the best afternoon

I'm homesick, bogged down by work, tired of the LA lifestyle and I feel like I'm being jerked around and jerking others around in the process.

Basically I feel like a jerk - and I need a pick me up. And who do you call when you need a pick me up?

The Damn Yankees!

You know the group? Formed by a POWERHOUSE of hair metal acts, they sang the best song EVER:

All Fired Up!

Just like Pat Benatar, I'm all fired up!

While enjoying Sunday dinner with the family (which is lunch for you non- Southerners), my cousin told me about this glorious website where people air their dirty laundry - and it is totally dedicated to my hometown. My mother warned me it was full of smut and written in a spirit of meanness. That just made me want to jump on there even more!

At first purusal its pretty boring. They have a discussion section that brings up cross town football rivalries, rat terrier pups for sale, and my personal favorite - trying to find out if people are single. I kid you not there was an entry that said, " is Cassie from Pitcock Wreckers single?". Someone replied, "who wants to know?" and then the person just said "me" and the other guy said, "yeah, she's single". I love it! The other favorite topic I found so far involves a woman looking for a guy at this bar (and speaking from experience, this place is BEYOND seedy) and posting a description of him. Basically pretty non descript, save for the neck tattoo of a bald eagle he has. Then the people commenting basically take it upon themselves to talk this chick out of trying to date someone who frequents that cess pool. The one lady posts, "ain't nobody that hangs out there worth a damn" and another man said, "I know ole' boy, and he's someone's baby daddy". This is going to provide me with hours upon hours of entertainment. My favorite thing to do so far is to read all of the posts in my best NE Texas accent - it really adds to the drama.

Unfortunatly, this website also shows the ugly side of my small town. Its a side that everytown has but that seems so much more terrible when coming from the mouths of toothless hillbillies. No, my town is not a bunch of toothless hillbillies, but there are some people there who act like fools and say some very, very ignorant things. I can handle conservative opinions, but I cannot and will not handle spouting racist lies as truths. So, you can imagine how badly the blood began to boil when I read a post about Obama.

Let me first be honest in saying, this is not the first time I have lost my shit over politics in my small town. Hell, in 3rd grade I dressed in a Dukakis vest and participated in a mock debate. When I was in town visting during the Gore/hanging chad debacle, I called into our local morning show and ripped the two DJ's a new one for comparing Gore to a kid who had a lost a game of monopoly. My mom was mortified as she was driving to work and heard me talking a mile a minute and calling them ignorant. Well, this post about did me in. I tried my damndest to hold back the anger and to type something mature. I was anoymus so I figured it wouldnt come back to bite me in the ass. I guess I was wrong as it gives the city you are from. So, "Disappointed in LA" is going to be getting some pretty nasty feedback. I am pretty sure I told the people who were saying such idiotic things as "he is going to turn us Muslim" and " the Muslims are going to take over" and "he is going to bring his kinfolk from Kenya over" and I told them them that they must be pretty stupid to believe those things and they make our hometown come across as a mecca for ignorant racists.

I really need to not go onto that website again unless I see a forum topic like, " Catfish King: Is it the best fast food catfish in town or what?". I don't need to dabble in small town political discussions via messageboards.

And for the record, Catfish King RULES!!!!

Ghetto Heaven

This is where I am hoping to spend eternity.

Good News: My Mom Didn't Try And Kill Me!!!

I guess she really did just want to go on some long drives in the country. However, it was about as close to commiting justifiable homicide as I have ever come. Nothing says "kill me now" like forcing your daughter to trapse through country roads while looking for historical markers. Mind you, these were the same markers my Mother has always driven me out to. She gets a real kick out of them. All I can think about is how there are more than likely rattlesnakes, water mocciasans and copperheads lurking in the tall grass. Not to mention ticks and chiggers!!! So while I am glad I didn't get murdered by my mom a-la Farah Faucett in Small Sacrifices (seriously, Netflix the bitch, its glorious), I sort of wish she had at least knocked me unconccious before the 20 minutes walk around where some sort of raft got stuck near the Sulfer River. And had I not convinced her I saw said water moccisan, I just know she would have forced me down into that river bed to go and dig for sharks teeth. Random side note, yes, you can actually find prehistoric sharks teeth down there. You know the sharks that were alive back when Sarah Palin's people were riding dinosaurs and shit.

I'M ALIVE!!!!

Apparently I'm Bad Luck

Or I guess you could say I am good luck - good luck if I stay far, far away from my kickball team whist they attempt to kick some ass and make it into the championship game. And it was all thanks to me not being there. About they time they were playing their asses off and taking some teams to the bank, I was laying on my bed, drinking a sweet tea and having a panic attack about my upcoming flight. And while I am super excited for them, the victory is far less sweet knowing that I had nothing to do with it and the team would probably be better off if i took my squirrely ass self as far away as possible from the game on Monday. Regardless I am wicked proud of the Mean Boys!!!! Way to go! And thank you for letting me be a part of the crew....even though I don't do shit to help.

xoxo-
Whore-gan.

My favorite sites from Home

Still Country After All These Years

I just landed back in Hell-A after my glorious 10 year reunion. No seriously, it was pretty fantastic. You have to understand that most of the kids we graduated with weren't just students we spent 4 years in HS with - these were kids that we grew up with and went from k-12 with in a lot of cases. Everyone was still the same character they were when we were in school together - just most of them had married and had some babies along the way. I'll get into the reunion shenanigans once my anti-anxiety sedatives wear off.

For now, just know I am alive and kicking.

Mama I'm Coming Home....

10 years ago, yours truly, graduated from Paris High School - and in honor of that momentous occasion and the 10 FREAKING YEARS that have lapsed between then and now, our class is having their 10 year reunion.

So right now, when I should be preparing to go home and get my desk and work in order, I am instead creating a lovely ipod playlist and blogging. I am nothing if not a last minute person.

I get to fly into DFW - and flying is ranks up there with getting anally raped by a meth faced hobo on the "things I want to do" list - and then drive 2 hours to my hometown. The the fun begins. Aside from going to my favorite place - ie - Wal-Mart - I plan on drinking my weight in crown royal and looking through my old year books - sobbing over what my life has become. I kid, I kid. I'll be sobbing over the photos of me wearing my drill team uniform, which consisted of cowboy boots, fringe and a whole lotta spandex. You better believe I'm posting pics.

i'm sure I'll be blogging from the airport - or at least I will be attempting to. Once the rhino tranqs I take for flying kick in, its anyones game.

Is my Mom trying to Kill Me?

Look, I love my Mom a lot - but there have been a few things to come up that have lead me to believe that my mom is trying to kill me. I'd love to think I'm overreacting...but I don't know, something is fishy. I've seen enough Lifetime movies to know what all these clues lead to - and that would be DEATH! What are the clues you might ask? Here you go, counselor.

Exhibit A:
Casual email asking if I have a life insurance policy. (WARNING! WARNING! I'M GOING TO GET MURDERED!)

Exhibit B:
Email yesterday asking me to go through my childhood belongings when I get home and decide what to keep and what to throw away. (SHE IS TOTALLY TRYING TO GET RID OF MEMORIES OF ME SO SHE CAN KILL ME WITHOUT MY CHILDHOOD AROUND HER)

Exhibit C:
In the same email regarding my childhood toys, my mother said "and most importantly, let find time to go on a drive out in the country like we used to do when you were little"...... NEED I SAY MORE! SHE IS SETTING THE SCENE.

Look, I know what she is getting at. Hell we watched the movie together- Small Sacrifices starring Farah Faucett and Ryan O'Neal. Farah drove her kids out into the country and then shot them and blamed it on a roberrey gone bad. Only thing is, she showed little emotion in the court room when they were describing the gruesome attack. She got busted when they played the music that was on in the car when the alleged robbery happened. Instead of acting all scared and upset when "Hungry Like The Wolf" was blared - she started rocking the fuck OUT! I'm telling you, my Mom is going to totes pull a Small Sacrifice on me!!! If she goes to court, I can guarentee they will be able to bust her using the "play the music in the car when the murder happened" method. Only I bet in her case it won't be Duran Duran. It will probably be Kenny Chesney. God she loves Kenny Chesney.

Hardy Har Har

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

In Honor of my upcoming 10 Year HS Reunion

Yes, I have my 10 year high school reunion coming up this weekend - and aside from making me feel old as fuck, it has also made me wax nostalgic on those years of 94-98.

Please enjoy this musical sampler from my high school days:

Crossroads:


Time Marches On:


Cumbersome:


Gangstas Paradise:


Strawberry Wine:

This is dedicated to Monkeysnouts.

Glitter Graphics

Happy Tuesday

Add Glitter to your Photos




Dude, I just found this website that basically turns your pictures into a Cholo's wet dream!

I'm pretty much famous

I always knew someone would appreciate my 3rd grade school photo:

I look like Garth from Wayne's World

Freebies of the Afternoon

I kid you not - these two were put out as "grab bag" items. A 22oz of Busch beer and a chub of bologna.....

And of course I snagged them. Are you kidding me? A chub of bologna?! Merry Christmas to me!

Thank Jesus for This Site

I just found a wicked awesome site thanks to Jodi!!!!

WE HAVE LASERS!!!

It momentarily turned my frown upside down!! And you had better believe I just submitted this little gem to hopefully be uploaded to it!

Owen Wilson - is that you?

Dodger Playoff Ticket Distribution + Lack of Coffee + Homicidal Feelings towards others = Owen Wilson.

Don't fret my pets, I'm not going anywhere - plus I have an aversion to anything touching my wrists - but I can see where he was coming from. I think I would prefer to pull an Eli Cash and just get zonked out my mind to escape this hell I've created for myself. But there are two problems, one I have no idea where to score some choice mescilin and secondly, I'm not now, nor have I ever been tempted to delve into the underworld of psychedelic drug use. My brain is crazy enough on its own and hasn't ever needed some sort of outside stimulus to achieve weirdness.

So instead, I'll allot these freaking tickets.....not happily, but I'll allot them damnit. Then I'll curl up into the fetal position and cry and pray for the day to be over.

Homicide Friday

I'm feeling a homicide coming on.....not the best feeling to be overcome with at 11am on a Friday, thats for sure. But the feeling is there all the same. I can't ignore it. And although I think I can withhold from strangling to death a few choice people today, I can't promise I won't lob a glass at their annoying faces - Lebowski style. If thats the case, please come and visit me in the clink.

It isn't that today is so much worse than other days - its not, believe me. In fact, in the overall category of "shit days" this barely ranks up there. I can't really explain what has set me off - maybe hormones, maybe I'm bi-polar - I dunno. But whatever the case is, people better watch themselves because I'm working with an extremely short fuse. And its one of those days where I feel like the second someone says the wrong thing to me (which at this point could be something so small as "phones ringing") , I'm going to loose my fucking SHIT. I'm going to pick up the mugs on my desk and start chucking them. Then comes the tape dispenser and phones. Depending on how much more anger I get out, I'll throw the Joe Beimel bobblehead with the Chad Billingsly face taped on. Then I would throw my shit ass computer. Then the chair. Then, after said person was sufficiently pummeled, I would throw our Dodger suite tickets all over them and let the tix rain down on the person crying on the floor.

Whew. I feel better just typing that up!!!!

TGIF, Doodlebugs!

Blast from the Past

Sometimes our bosses leave us grab bag items, that we can well, grab, at will. Normally they are part of gift bags and swag that they received and didn't want. Today I stumbled upon this lil' gem.

Shit, times must be tough if they are giving away Memorex cassette tapes in Swag bags.

Happy Holidays!

Being in the entertainment industry has afforded me a new found knowledge of Jewish holidays. Today for instance is a high holy day, Yom Kippur - also known as the Day of Atonement. It is the most solemn and holy of holidays. I love learning about Judaism and all of the interesting traditions it holds. I also love learning that my boss thinks I'm Jewish. So much so that he told me to go home early yesterday - and while I was grateful, I couldn't quite figure out why he kept mentioning "before sundown". Then it hit me. I decided not to stir up the wrath of God by going along with it - so instead came clean and said that I was in fact a gentile. A gentile that, if recalled, spends 40 days being a hot cranky mess whilst giving up goodies during Lent. He in fact didn't recall and could have sworn I was Jewish. I took this as a compliment thinking that maybe, after living in SoCal for 4 years, I had gained the ability to get pigment to my skin and thats what threw him off.

Whatever the case may be, I am enjoying a very, very quiet day at the office. So, to all my Jewish pals, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! Blessings for you in this new year!

USC Fans Are Douches. True Story.

Look, I like a little healthy taunting as much as the next person. Hell, I've gotten kicked off inter-mural teams for my taunting abilities and just last summer I almost got my ass kicked by a dude on a beer league softball team for calling him "mr. color coordinated". So I get the joy of it - I do! What I don't get are those fuck-faces who attend USC sporting events.

My pal Squidy and I decided to venture down to the Coliseum to watch the Oregon Ducks take on the USC Trojans. Sure we knew we had about a 99% chance of winning - but we went all the same. We thought it would be good fun to see a lot of other SoCal Ducks and to watch a game at that famed Coliseum. What we got instead was roughed up and run amok by a bunch of scarf wearing pretentious drunkards with a hard on for Mark Sanchez.

First, I can handle the whole "go trojans!" or "ducks suck" chants. I can, really. What I can't handle is people getting all up in my business and man handling me. I have a personal space issue and those yellow and maroon wearing fuck faces were violating my no fly zone. Who do they think they are to sit there and clothes-line me as I am walking by so that they can taunt me to my face? Secondly, screaming "Hey - You! Blondie. Oregon girls give bad head" - is not only wildly offensive, its also a bold faced lie. Seriously. The other Trojans around laughed and egged them on. Really? How about I point out that the person who issued this insult had a weak chin and was prematurely balding. A man that is only going to get sex if he roofies a chick or pays for it in Thailand. I could have pointed that out - but I didn't. Because I'm a lady, motherfucker! It didn't stop there. We went to a Duck alumni tailgater and were harassed the entire way there and back to the stadium. Also on the way back to the stadium a security guard made me throw away my just opened shitty beer - even though EVERYONE else had beers in hand AND the dude next to me, in USC attire, was drinking from a Cooks champagne bottle and carrying a 30pack of Miller Lite. Totally awesome treatment.

The final straw came once inside the stadium and were getting harassed every 2 feet - all I wanted was a fucking hot dog. I love hot dogs something terrible. Those bastards heckled Squidy and I so badly, we had to eat our hot dogs behind a partition so as to not get harassed. Nothing stands between me and a hot dog. Nothing. Oh yeah, and they had no beer garden. Assclowns.So, being totally sober, angry and sexually harassed - we decided to head home after halftime. Glad we did too, seeing as the Ducks started basically getting raped by the Trojans.

What I came to realize is that I was totally justified and right in my hatred of all things USC. Those kids act like they went to Princeton. They even sport Ivy-League-esque scarves with USC colors on it. Scarves....in Southern California.....the fact they even manufacture those for the student body to purchase is a fucking joke.


Dear USC,

I hate you.

XOXO-
Hobbit Girl

Shout Out to the Mean Boys!

WAY TO GO!

What a week....

It's been a rough week for me. Work ate ass. Life ate ass. And worst of all Rupert the baby deer died. What more can befall me I ask? Wait...don't answer that. Knowing my luck it would be something horrible.

Anyway, apparently the girls over at "Best Week Ever" were sharing my pain over loss of wee little Rupert and made a video in his honor.

I'm not joking when I say I'm crying over this. I'm a sucker for animals. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and eat some icing and mourn.

Enjoy this video.


Tribute To Rupert: It's So Hard To Say Goodbye from Sara Schaefer on Vimeo.

We'll Do It Live!!!!

RIP, Rupert the mini-deer

This breaks my heart.

Need A Pick Me Up

Hedgehogs + Mini-Cupcakes = MIND BLOWING CUTENESS.

(ps, yes this is what I do with my day - collage pictures of hedgehogs and cupcakes)

Taking a trip back to 2001

I'm having one of those days - you know the kind? Where you can do no right even though you are doing nothing wrong? Yeah. Thats pretty much mine in a nutshell. Even making pictures of my pet rabbit dressed as a member of the Nation of Islam didn't pep me up. I decided to delve into the email archives and reminisce about my days when I used to work at a naturo-pathic pharmaceutical company. Now those were the days....that made days like this look good. I worked my ass off doing really ridiculous tasks in a ridiculous office.

Yeah, so for about 9 months I worked as a quality control assistant in a homeopathic supplement factory. I couldn't make this up if I tried. I had to wear a smock and a hairnet and all in all enjoyed a very ridiculous job.

Please find an excerpt from an email sent to friends and family which helps me to realize that it could be waaaay worse. I could be wearing a hairnet and smock again! (Names have been changed to protect the innocent)

September 2001

Well, tomorrow is my last full day here, and boy has time flown. I have been working here at I**********e Th****peutics,Inc (...a division of NF Formulas, Phytopharmica, Tyler Encapsulations and Vitaline Products) since about the 5th of Febuary...and it has been one crazy trip.

Here are a few things I have learned from the Pill Factory:

1) Beware of Capsules made that are not Vegetarian...who knows what sort of Mad Cow could have been processed to make it.

2)Espanol is a handy language to know. Especially when people are making fun of you because your smock is too big and inside out to boot...of course I wouldn't know this first hand or anything. It isnt like this happened last week and was pretty embarrassed about it either.

3)Women who have babies at age 19, and work in Wilsonville at the local homeopathic supplement factory with little college experience are oversexed, tend to drive Dodge Neon's and like to drink Bud Lite at the local bars and then overshare with the office the next morning.

4)It is not necessary to have a degree in order to make Master Formulas or check label data for the company..

5)Never under any circumstances take a job when the person says "oh it is interesting pharmaceutical work with some minor manual labor" because the next thing you know you will be covered in yellow vitamin powder crawling on small shelves checking the Tyler Eskimo-3 samples for larvae.

6)When the plant is scheduled to encapsulate Valerian Extract, make sure you are going straight home to shower, cause you will smell like someone rubbed Flintstone Kids all up on you.

7) Smocks with one size fits all tags on them lie

8)Wearing a hairnet and smock makes you realize no matter how cool and cute you think you are, the second you put a teal too large smock on and a cafeteria style hairnet on, you realize that you look like the most homely person ever to walk the earth!

9)Never ask if you can "bedazzle" your hairnet, the bosses will not get the joke and then lecture on the purpose of the hairnet in relation to debris getting encapsulated and then how sequins would pose a greater risk than stray hair.

10)When the boss warns you to not use the computer too much and that they can monitor everything, make friends with the morbidly obese and very lonely computer guy Rick and ask him about their monitoring capabilities. When he tells you they cannot, in fact monitor you, then download IM again and get to work building fake pets in Neopia!!

Thats just the tip of the iceberg. I think the rest of this week will be dedicated to the fun times had at the pill factory.