I smell Oscar Gold!!!

Our World is Collapsing and There is Only 1 thing that can lift my spirits

Dennis Motherfucking Madalone's "America: We stand as One"...

STAND TALL, AMERICA!

HUD: The only question I ever ask any woman is "What time is your husband coming home?"

Rest in Peace, Paul.

Happy Wednesday!

The name of this bike? The Doodlebug. Freaking fantastical!

The Message I Got From The Earthquake Prepardness Meeting: WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!

Today a lovely man came to our office today in order to explain how to prepare for and what to expect from an earthquake. I'm one of those people who eat this kind of shit up. I live in fear of natural disasters and omens of the apocalypse in general so I'm game for whatever these bastards throw at me.....except for today. Maybe it was the trauma from being trapped in a bathroom for a while this morning that made my nerves a bit more on edge - but I don't think so because I wasn't the only one who had the fear of God in their eyes. No, we all sat there, mouths agape, flinching at every new detail. I would hate to see the way this man delivers really bad news. He was the most nonchalant messenger of death that I have ever encountered.

That bastard basically told us to expect the worst and that the big one is going to suck balls and be bad. Like biblical bad. Michael Bay movie bad. The kind of thing where 10,000 people at least will die. And die in painful ways. Impalements, blunt force trauma, being sucked into gaping holes in the earth, being blown up from gas explosions, being killed dead sort of bad. But he said it very straight forward and in a manner that seemed like he might be getting a kick out of how bad it is going to be. We asked about where some of us were sitting and he just shrugged and said get under the desk because we are going to be pummeled by glass and metal. Awesome. Thanks for the pick me up. And JUST what I needed today. When my phone started to vibrate I flinched harder than I have since I played soccer.

Seriously, all the advice an expert can give us is duck and cover and hold on tight?! Oh that must REALLY mean it is going to eat shit. You know it is going to be bad and we are all going to die a horrible death when the people don't even try to not scare you. They are like, yeah, its going to suck and then get a kick out of it when you try and explain to them what your escape plan is and they smirk and say,"Have fun with that".

So in case you want to know what my current plan of attack is for a catastrophic quake - here ya go:

Channel Baby Jessica (that bitch survived a well!!!) and put some serious booze in my survival fanny pack. I figure I'm limber enough that I could be wedged in a small space and be comfortable and as long as I had enough booze to drink myself into a stupor.

I DON'T WANNA DIE!

Starting off the morning like an 80's sitcom crossed with an R Kelly song

So, this morning started off with a bang! I went into my bathroom to put in my contacts and brush the ole' chompers and ended up getting locked in there. I've got a 1/2 bath attached to my room and it is pretty small but gets the job done and I enjoy it greatly until the fucking thing traps me in there. The doorknob - which doesn't have a lock - somehow locked itself up and in turn trapped me in the bathroom with my pet bunny and no cell phone or tools that I could use to let myself out. I was ok until I realized I had also locked my bedroom door - which really fucked me up and thats when the panic set in. And it set in quickly.

I used every bobby pin, fingernail clipper handle, barrette that I could find to try and pry the door open. When that didn't work and the room was becoming smaller and smaller by the second, I reverted to what I know best - FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.


I've never been one to use a lot of brute force but I felt like that was my only option and if loosing my deposit was the outcome of breaking down a door and letting myself out of that fucking hell hole then so be it. Well, I did what any girl would do - I karate kicked the door about 1000 times. Nothing happened. Then I used the patented Rob Lowe in St Elmos Fire maneuver of charging the door. I however didn't have a fire extinguisher to use as blunt force nor did I have Demi Moore standing on the other side to open the door for me. So the door didn't do anything but stay locked.Then I started screaming my roommates name. When that didn't work I screamed and I karate kicked the door. Finally I could hear her on the other side asking what happened.

God Bless my little MacGyver of a roommate. The chick took apart a doorknob when prying it open didn't work. This took a little while but soon enough she was in my room working on the bathroom door. When I was finally free of my prison, I have her a big hug. Which is saying something because I'm not real big of "touching" people.

So, I'm free and pretty sure that I'll never enter that bathroom again without my cell phone and a tool box. The good news is, my house mate rules. The bad news is, my karate skills are greatly in need of improving.

I'M FREE!!!!!!

Tootsie Pops and Adam Levine

So, I had to take a trip down to one of my least favorite places ever this weekend- thats right, San Diego. Most people love that city - I for one don't. Sure its pretty and has a nice zoo, but in my opinion that city is for the birds. Filled to the brim with chochkies and chain restaurants, it just ain't my style.and Pretty much the only redeemable quality to the city is that Top Gun filmed there and Top Gun is right up there with Citizen Kane in my book!

Anyway, so I had to go to San Diego and visit some folks who I wasn't super interested in visiting - one of whom I haven't seen in 18 years.... and aside from that making me feel super old, it also was ridiculously draining. And of course this unwelcome event just had to occur in San Diego.. doubel the awesome. Needless to say when I was driving back Saturday I needed something to bolster my spirits and I'll be damned if I didn't find something. And that something was Maroon 5 + Rihanna + Blue Tootsie Pop + Red Bull = FUCKING AWESOME DRIVE BACK TO LA!!!

Look, I love me some mellow rock and all, but doodlebugs if that damned Maroon 5 song didn't tickle my fancy. I caught myself singing along and wanting more. So I stopped at circut city and bought the fucking cd and sang all the way home. I practiced doing the entire song, then the Rihanna parts, the Adam Levine parts. I was like a one woman barbershop quartet!!!

Please enjoy this fucking awesome song and video. I'm sure I'll be back to singing Kenny Loggins "This is It" on the way to kickball in a week or two - but tonight - tonight, its me singing along to this lil' ditty!

The Morning After

I've got a hangover. Not the "oh shit I might throw up" type of hangover, but more of the "I feel weak and weird and tired" sort of hangover. I need a long nap and a coffee. Instead I'm in the office today with no coffee at hand and a kickball game tonight. No nap in sight. Not a happy camper.

Normally I would take full responsibility and say that I have no one to blame for my hangover but myself. Today however, I am placing the blame soley on the shoulders of the 2008 Emmy telecast. If you were unfortunate enough to watch it then you know damn well what I am talking about. That was the most painful 3 hours I've ever had to spend in front of the TV and I will never get those precious moments (literal time not the Hallmark collectible figurines) back. Watching those fools get up there and have to recite the stupidest most banal lines and witness them falling flat made me turn to the hooch and turn to the hooch hard. So here I am. Tired. Hungover. Only able to choke down chips, soda and brownies and all because of the fucking Emmys man. This blows.

Beyond the Thunderdome Friday

Who doesn't need a little obsure Tina Turner to get their Fridays off on the right foot? I know I need it like a whore needs some valtrex!

Please enjoy "One of the Living" by Tina. Around the 2:45 mark there is a cameo by my future husband, Tim Capello. Primal sax for a primal Friday.

FUCK YES!



PS- Thanks to Adam Z for the link!

TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT!!!!

Let Cheryl change your life!!!!!!

Love Means: Never Having To Get Busted For Meth

After reading of Ryan O'Neals arrest (along with his son) on drug suspicions today it made me quite sad. This is a man whom I was in love with for most of my life. I watched Barry Lyndon, Paper Moon, What's Up Doc and Love Story more times than I can count. I was even a HUGE fan of the made for TV movie about Diane Downs starring Farrah Fawcett and Ryan. Farrah was Diane, a mother who shot her kids up in Oregon after her abusive boyfriend (O'Neal) said he didn't want kids. They busted her for lying that a stranger shot them when they played "Hungry Like The Wolf" in the court room and she totes busted a move. Anyway, my point being is that I love me some Ryan O'Neal and it makes me sad that he has sunk to these lows and that all of his kids have some SERIOUS issues.

I would prefer to remember the Ryan of the days of yore. Specifically the Ryan of the Love Story. Yes, "Preppie" himself. Oh sweet, sweet Oliver Barrett. With the golden mop top, corduroy sport coats and European sports cars - he truly was the dreamiest of the dreamy. Seriously, I challenge even the straightest of men to watch that movie and not fall head over heels in love with him.

Oh man that is a great movie. It is one of those films that I force myself to watch even though I know that by midway through the film I'll start sniffling and tearing up and by the end of the film I will be in full blown hysterics and inconsolable. It's the price I pay for watching a smoking hot story about two crazy kids in love.

Oh Preppie...what would your late wife say about this Meth bust? Love mean never having to get busted for meth.

Don't Read The News Before Going To Sleep

Or else you can end up having a dream like I did last night after reading the LA Times article about Mickey Rourke's comeback. I dreamed that Mickey Rourke was my husband and he was forcing me to breed bull mastiffs for a living... I'm going to need therapy after that one.

This day is creeeeeeeping along

Oh for the love of God. I'm too bored to even blog. Today has been the single longest day in history. Each second lasting a lifetime. And I still have at least two more hours of hell to go. I could be spending my time doing something really productive - like brewing meth - as opposed to sitting here at the office. But here I am...just sitting .... and watching the minutes slowly tick by.... Bored. Bored out of my gourd.

My computer speakers are busted so I can't listen to music or watch you tube videos. I'm so bored I'm on the verge of tears. Boredom tears. But I'm so bored and lazy I can't even squeeze them out. If I could fall asleep at my desk I would.

Why hath the Lord forsaken me?!!!!

Happy Mother Fucking Tuesday!!!!!

Ahhhhh yeah, boyeeee!

Things from my youth that I am currently longing for: Tuesday 2:20pm Edition

In no particular order:

Caboodles

Wink Martindale

My Mom's Ronco Food Dehydrator I forced her to buy for me

Late night Info-mercials for Didi 7

Mother Fucking Jam Shorts!!!!

Things That Confuse Me : Tuesday Edition

Sarah Palin's hair / glasses combo?????

What the FUCK is up with this woman's hair? Does she have some sort of arthritic condition that causes her hands to behave in such a fashion that they are only able to transfix her hair into a french twist that resembles something I wore to my cotillion? Does she ALWAYS have to wear her hair like that? Does she never let it down so that the cold arctic air can whip through it as she is on the back of a snowmobile gunning down innocent wolves? Seriously. What about on like, casual Friday and shit? Even then a french twist? Birthing young Trig? Lemme guess? A jaunty french twist? What a douche.

Now lets move on to her glasses selection. I fucking HATE rimless glasses. Why must she always wear these. Is she worried a rim around them will detract attention from her french twist or her cheek bones that are dusted in the palest mauve?

This woman confuses me on so many levels and her fashion is stuck in 1997.

An Ode to Kitty Britches!

Every so often a person comes into your life and makes such an impact that you feel as if you have known them forever. One such person I met last Saturday and I will refer to her from here on out as Kitty Britches....because she smells like kitties. Like she has been snuggling with and around kitties 24/7 365. A wonderful musk for anyone to have let alone a morbidly obese middle aged woman with an annoying voice. Kitty Britches and I shared some hours together over the weekend and it was during that time that I decided the only way to truly honor her would be to write stories about what I imagine her life to be like. I'm really kind like that.

http://thecatsneow.blogspot.com/

Happy Thursday, Cheeto Fingers!

Things that Confuse Me: Thursday Edition

Tyler Perry?

How to Cheryl!

Color Me Domestically Abusive

In case you hadn't heard the breaking news (make sure you are sitting down because this will rock your world) - Bryan Abrams, singer from Color Me Badd (you would know him as the facial haired one with the skinny eyebrows and high pitched voice) was arrested around 4pm yesterday for punching out a bitch and threatening to kill her while intoxicated.
And while I can totally get behind drinking in the afternoon time and applaud him for his obvious commitment to getting shitfaced before 5pm, hitting up a bitch in the middle of the day just ain't cool. It isn't even that good of a story.

Look, if I'm going to get roughed up by a dude from an early 90's super group (and don't even think of arguing - they were indeed super) then I want to have a better story than my boyfriend getting shitty in the afternoon, punching me and threatening to kill me. Is it really that scary if he didn't actually try and kill you? No, it isn't. And I'm sure it was even less scary when the dude who is screaming and hitting you is wearing a jewel toned silk shirt with puffy pants and gold necklaces. This dude is in trouble either way, so he really should have turned it up a notch. You would think a man who was part of amazing songs like "I adore, Mi Amore"and "I want to sex you up" could have come up with a better way to rough someone up and something more clever to scream. I mean, if he screamed it while the other members of Color Me Badd were doing 4 part harmony in the background or giving play by play in 4 part harmony, then that would be fucking awesome. Him just threatening to kill her? LAMEO! Its like the time I got pulled over for, in the words of the LAPD, "almost killing someone". Can you "almost kill someone" when you don't even come close to hitting them nor did they have to dive out of the way in any manner? Yeah - again, the answer is no. So, if young Bryan here wanted to really take it to the limit, he would have stepped up his game. This breaks my heart. Why can't a guy beat the shit out of someone with the creativity and awesomeness that I know he has in him instead of doing it in such a mundane fashion? Oh how the mighty have fallen!

Kickball Wizard

I get wild hairs sometimes and end up doing things that I don't really think through. My elfin hair do freshman year of college is one example. Moving back to Texas from Oregon is another example. Both of them had some unsavory results - ie, a hairdo that made me look like a prepubescent boy elf and developing a taste for crown royal after realizing I was stuck in NE Texas indefinitely . So, when I joined a co-ed adult kickball league a few months back, many thought this was going to be one of those whims that ended up being a really, really bad idea. A bad idea mainly because when you think of this shitbag, you don't really think "athletic". Well, I'm not athletic but I am scrappy and don't mind taking a ball to the face now and again (heh, heh, heh). And let me tell you, I'm having the time of my life - just like Johnny Castle and Baby at the Kellerman's end of summer talent show!

I don't really do much physically to help the team succeed but I do enjoy yelling smooth music lyrics at them in hopes it will inspire greatness. You try kicking under pressure - isn't as easy as it looks - that is until you hear someone screaming that you should "Ride Like The Wind". Pretty much the most inspirational thing you can yell at someone. Almost like the scene in Rocky when the music is blaring and he is jogging up the stairs. Yep. Almost the same thing. Only I was MORE inspirational.

Anyway, we only have 2 more regular season games left and I find myself quite upset. What the hell am I going to do with my Monday nights when our season ends? This silly game has kept me from pulling an Owen on numerous occasions and the socks alone make me smile and feel like a fashion plate (photo above).

I've almost decided to give up taking psychotropic drugs all together and just use Kickball as my mood stabilizer. Good idea? Probably not. But you know me - I love to do things on whims and I' sure this will be a greeeeeeat idea.

Happy Friday!

Don & I's First Dance

As I get started planning Don and I's wedding, the one thing we both had no disagreeements about was in regards to our first dance. We had to include Tubbs in the festivities seeing as we like to be equal opportunity and all that shit. Plus, there is nothing sexier or more fucking awesome than the video for "Just the way I planned it". We've decided to dance our first dance to that song whilst Tubbs performs it on stage. We're going all out and shit as well. I don't want to half ass it like he did with that tramp Melanie Griffith. Hells no. We are hooking up some laser lights and having it projected up on stage so Tubbs looks foxy as hell like he did in this video. And you better believe he is going to be wearing an unbuttoned, maroon, silk shirt and gyrating on stage. Ladies take the birth control ahead of time because he is going to be boning you up there all...night....long.

The Future Mr. Morgan E Cline : Don Mother Freaking Johnson!!!

Last night at the Dodger game, I saw the love of my life, one Mr Don Johnson. I've been privileged to see many a celebrity during my trips to Dodger games. But never has my heart immediately been stolen by a celeb until now! He was seated a few rows in front of me and the second I saw Nash Bridges saunter in front of me I felt my cold, devil woman exterior melt away and my loins were afire from the slightest glimpse Crockett threw my direction. And might I add that Don has the most luscious head of hair I have ever seen on a man.

Sitting behind Mr Johnson (or as my Mother who is NOT a DJ fan calls him, "Don "Thinks He's So Great" Johnson"), I realized how it feels to be so close to true love and yet so far away. Its the most beautiful pain I've ever felt inside. I think I might actually have a heart. A blackened evil one, but a heart all the same.

I'm pretty sure that sometime today I will have an engagement ring and a pet Gator delivered here to the office. And then we will elope. And I will bear his mini-crocketts!

God, being in love is a glorious thing.

I love you Don......I love you so very very much.

Random Drunken Escapades : Labor Day Edition

Half day at work + Cocktails + Starting drinking said cocktails at 2pm and continuing to drink them straight into the evening + Credit Card + West Hollywood = Drunken Mystic Tanning.