John Secada & Corndogs: I miss home

I was at a birthday party on Friday evening and ran into another person raised in my hometown of Paris, Texas. Which is fairly amazing considering the small size of the town I am from and how large the entertainment industry is. What are the odds, right? Apparently pretty good.

Anyway, reminiscing about the town made me a little homesick. You might ask yourself, "Hobbit of Hotness, what could you possibly miss about Paris"? Well let me tell you what I miss:

1) One of the few bars in town is connected to a Dennys & Holiday Inn. The Holiday Inn being the nicest hotel in town. Which is awesome. This bar has karaoke on Christmas Eve and it is a total critter fest.

2) The Paris Country Club - which still allows smoking in the dining room. Disgusting but amazing all at the same time. Also, they make a wicked good chicken fried steak.

3) The Corndog stand in the parking lot of the shopping center (we don't have a mall). It makes delicious corndogs and fresh squeezed lemonade all summer long. The smell of that batter draws me in like a moth to a flame.

4) Paris Radio Stations. If you tune into 107.7 you are going to be bombarded with pop music - from 1991-97. Seriously. They play the same shit on the radio now as they did when I was in 6th grade. That means all the John Secada, Cathy Dennis and LeAnn Rimes your heart desires. And the morning show hosts are remarkably ignorant. In fact, when I was home over Christmas during the Gore/Bush debacle, I got so pissed off that I called in and went off on their ignorance and conservative views. My mother was appalled because some of her friends heard me but I was proud. I showed them!!

5) Gene The Jeweler. He is the closest thing Paris has to a celebrity (he had a part in Close Encounters) and he is a real eccentric. The best part about him isn't really him as much as it is about his jingle. "Geeene the jeweler. He has Paris' finest selection. For the gift that keeps on giiiiiving. Go to Gene the Jeweler." I think you have to hear it on the radio to get the full effect.

Oh Paris, Texas....how you stole my heart.

Random Song Of My Youth: "Oh Daddy"

I seem to remember having this song on a cassette single. I also was really jealous of the little girl in the video as I had big, big dreams of becoming a famous pop singer. Of course I wasn't taking into account that I didn't have a very good singing voice nor did I have the looks to become a pint sized sensation (check out my profile pic).

Regardless, please let Adrian Belew sing you into the weekend.

The Soundtrack to my Impalement

When I was little there was a movie called "The Chipmunk Adventure". It was freaking awesome - not like this CGI crap that came out recently. No, this was good ole fashioned animation with kick ass songs and those pranksters, The Chipmunks. It followed those ornery little rascals around the globe as they searched for stolen jewels. Along for the ride were the Chipmunkettes - who dressed in a way that looked like the artists just melded the fashions from Facts of Life with Fame. And I thought it was awesome. I watched the hell out of that movie when it was on.

So imagine my delight when, in the fall of 1991, this very movie was being shown on a rainy Sunday on The Disney Channel. I was so excited and my friend and I settled in to watch all of the hilarious adventures ensue. Well, the rain turned more into a downpour so I went to make sure my bunny, whose hutch we had moved into the garage to protect her from the rain, was ok. I was really, really, really into the song "The Girls of Rock & Roll" (which in my opinion is the best song in the whole movie) and I wasn't really paying attention. So I am bobbing down the stairs into the garage, singing my heart out, when I trip over my keds shoelace, stumble down the remaining stairs and end up landing on the rabbits cage. Of course I landed really hard. Hard enough to impale my leg - right at the kneecap- into the corner of the cage. It was gruesome. It was gorey. My Mom freaked out. And I am left with a massive scar.

Some people might think that I would have negative memories associated with "The Girls of Rock & Roll" seeing as it was the soundtrack to my impalement. I ask those people - how could you have negative feelings against something that rocks so fucking much? Right?

Enjoy this clip - and always remember to tie your laces, Kids!!!

Mini Corndogs & Porn Stars: Or A Friday Night In The Valley

Word to the wise - if you are looking for a low key, critterless evening - do not go to a sports bar/ karaoke club in the Valley. Some friends and I made the happy mistake of venturing out to one after a screening in Burbank and let me tell you, we came into contact with some real doozies. The upside was that they served cheap pitchers of beer and mini-corndogs. The downside was that there were more Critters skulking about this establishment than a Carnival in Arkansas.

I was befriended by a porn star in the bathroom that "liked my look". Which scares me a little because her look was Gap Kids mixed in with a little Boogie Nights and a splash of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane make-up. Dee-Dee was her name and aside from doing porn she also headed up a "Missing Persons" cover band.

The other gem we encountered was a man by the name of Gizmoto (pronounced "Jiz-mo-to"...I wish I was joking). Now Gizz (as his friends call him) was a real karaoke aficionado. He wasn't drinking but he was rocking a Padres jersey, a necktie, tight jeans, white leather boots, a samurai headband and eyeliner. No joke. He tried to explain the mishmash of looks he had going but it basically blew my mind. He wasn't drinking either. Which was odd. Or at least it would be for me as it normally takes about a keg of cheap beer to get me up to sing and even then I end up butchering Kenny Loggins. He on the other hand was ready and willing and ended up writhing on the floor and pounding the ground with his fists during the intense parts of the songs a la' the fat little guy in Boyz II Men. He wasn't bad but to be honest we were so taken aback by his outfit and gesturing on the stage we weren't really paying attention to his voice. He was an odd duck to say the least and totally believed us when I told him our fake names and occupations. One friend we decided to call "Penelope" and we told him she did voice over work for cat food commercials. And the real zinger was when we told him our other friend was a stunt woman by the name of "Jessica Tandy". We all feigned shock when he told us that he seemed to think there was an actress by that name. Needless to say we had some fun with poor Gizz before we left.

I like to believe that after Jessica Tandy, Penelope and I walked out those doors, that Dee-Dee went over and befriended Gizz. Wouldn't that be a love story for the books?

Afternoon Pick Me Up

I don't know about you, but sometimes I just have a hankering for some saxophone and sweet lyrics that only one band can quench. That band would be "Boy Meets World" and the song would be "Waiting for a Star to Fall". I ate too much lunch, I feel like shit, but by God if I am not moved to dance by the soaring saxophone solo and the chorus of "Waiting for a star fall. Carry your heart into my arms. Thats where you belong, my arms, baby, yeah". So enjoy this little post-lunch rock out.

Sexy Song of the Afternoon

Brought to you by Jack Wagner...

"All I Need"

I Love LA

Soulful Sexiness of the Lunch hour

Morning

Jackee!!

"Pukkas in Paradise"

"Pukkas in Paradise"
by: Shitbag

Mary!

Jackee Harry.
By Shitbag.

What I do while at work

Yes, I spend the majority of my workday looking up weird sites and drawing pictures of Edward James Olmos in what can only be described as intergalactic glamor shots. I really think they are lucky to have someone who chooses to spend their time coloring in pock marks on EJO's cheeks instead of making spreadsheets. I have also moved on to pictures of Jackee Harry and Kenny Chesney.