Dearest Billy,
First off, let me just say that I'm really digging on your new single "People Are Crazy"...you're right - people ARE crazy!!! On the real though, I enjoy your cd " Little Bit Of Everything" and your music on the whole makes me swoon. The cover of "Lucille" that you did was better than the original - no joke - which is saying something since I love me some Kenny Rogers. Hell, I've been known to bump you and Shania's "Party for Two" on the regular (much to my coworkers dismay).Between the talent, that deep husky voice and the looks of a poor man's Bradley Cooper...shit man, you're pretty much a country music dynamo.
You're also going to be my husband - of course we haven't technically "met" or anything - but once I can get the restraining order lifted, its going to be AWESOME! The future I continuously day dream about while I should be concentrating on doing work is really romantic and phenomenal. Picture, basically, the sexiest most amazing thing ever and multiply that by, like, a million, and you have an inkling of our life together. So it will be like the Rascal Flatt's "Melt" video only lots better and without the fat dudes. Anyway, the point being is that I love you lots and can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together.
But...
Look, I need to be real with you and if you can't be real with your soul-mate and future husband then who can you be real with? Am I right or am I right?! "Being real" and "open" with each other is going to totally be the foundation of our relationship. BTW, the other part of the "foundation" involves lots and lots of boning - but I digress.
Anyhoodle - we need to talk, Billy. Look - nobody can question your sexiness. Shit, that "Must Be Doing Something Right" music video makes the panties drop faster than the Millennium Falcon going warp-speed. You took a page out of the Chris Isaak book of making videos that get girls pregnant. I almost had to call CMT for child-support after viewing that thing. Good show, Billy. Good show. The point is - we know you're hot.
I'm just going to have to say it - we need to work on the clothes and the accessories, Billy. I don't know who told you to dress like that and to sport enough turquoise to make an Iroquois barf - but whoever it was is an asshole.
Let's start with the jewels....
You seem to be suffering from an issue called "going overboard". You're a smart boy, Billy. Think about it...do you REALLY need 15 necklaces, 2 beaded bracelets, 1 Tibetan rope bracelet with adornments and a multitude of rings, all at once? I can't imagine how long it must take to remove that before you can get through the metal detector at the airport...Good Lord, Billy. Your jewelry box must look like one of those treasure chests they have at the dentist office that house toothpaste, floss and other shit they pass off as "treats" for the kiddos.
Let's baby step this and just take it day by day. Every morning when you get dressed take one necklace, ring, bracelet off and out of rotation...in a few months you should be down to one of each - IF that.
Oh and Billy, the remaining necklace better not have pukka shells on it. I know Kenny Chesney rocks them like they are the Queens jewels, but that doesn't make them appropriate. Is it appropriate to rape children? NO. It's not appropriate to wear necklaces that belong on meatheads leaving Hollister, either....unless you are a Pacific islander, then it's a cultural thing and deemed ok.
Now on to the more pressing matter - your need to constantly have at least 85% of your bare torso on display. Do you suffer from arthritis which makes it impossible for you to button up an entire shirt? That really is the only excuse I'll accept.
I KNOW you have some rock hard abs and I know those are few and far between in the world of country music (Garth I'm talking to you) - but babycakes, save that for the imagination. You don't have to have your shirt open to the navel to get the ladies all hot and bothered - trust me. I'm not asking you to button it up to the top or anything -I'm just saying that leaving one, maybe two, buttons undone is all you need.
Also, while I'm on the topic - you don't necessarily have to buy a skin tight shirt to show off your pecs and biceps either. Most of the time those shirts are reserved for gay men in WeHo or dudes modeling for "International Male".
I hope that wasn't too harsh - I only say those things because I love you. Better to get that out of the way now and not once we are married, right?!
Don't beat yourself up over this - really. I mean it isn't like you are wearing Ed Hardy or anything. That would be a REAL PROBLEM. You know how kids who kill animals usually end up being sociopaths? Ed Hardy is an indicator of something more sinister lurking in the soul of the man. So I do realize it could be worse.
Anyway, thanks for reading this puddin' and I can't wait for our gloriously sexy future life together. It's going to be the most fun!
XOXO-
Morgan
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